gratefulparenting

When Scary Becomes Too Scary

Thu, 30 Oct 2025 16:39:20 GMT

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Each October, neighborhoods come alive with creativity — cobwebs on fences, pumpkins glowing, skeletons dancing in the wind. It’s one of the joys of living in a community that celebrates together.

But in recent years, Halloween decorations have grown more elaborate and, at times, more graphic — life-sized monsters, severed limbs, bloodied scenes straight from a horror movie. Many are impressive feats of artistry. Yet it’s worth pausing to ask: how do these images land in the hearts and nervous systems of the children who pass them every day?

What Gets Fired Together Gets Wired Together

Our brains are designed to protect us. When we see something frightening, our amygdala fires — sending messages that say, “danger, stay alert!” In adults, the prefrontal cortex helps us calm down and remember it’s just pretend. But in children, that part of the brain is still developing. They can’t always tell the difference between a make-believe threat and a real one.

The saying “what fires together, wires together” is neuroscience shorthand for how repeated experiences shape the brain. If a child walks past gory or threatening imagery every day, their brain may repeatedly fire the “fear” circuitry — and those neural pathways can strengthen. Even if they act brave, their body may quietly store the stress.

The Hidden Costs of Fright

Children process images differently than adults. Scary visuals can linger as intrusive mental pictures, showing up later as nightmares, restlessness, or heightened vigilance. Some kids may shrug it off; others may not sleep well for days.

The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that young viewers often internalize horror imagery as real threat. And researchers have found that repeated exposure to violent or frightening visuals can increase anxiety or desensitize emotional response — depending on a child’s age, temperament, and support system.

It’s not about blaming anyone. It’s about remembering that safety is the soil in which childhood grows.

Seeing Through a Child’s Eyes

Halloween brings out incredible artistry — creativity, humor, and craftsmanship that light up our neighborhoods. Many displays are stunning to look at, even awe-inspiring. Yet what’s thrilling for adults can feel very different to a child.

Children process the world through their senses and emotions before logic catches up. Their nervous systems react first — their hearts race, their muscles tense, their imaginations fill in the story. They don’t yet have the cognitive filters we do. So while we might see “a clever spooky scene,” a young child might see something that feels real and unsettling.

That’s why it helps to slow down and talk with them — maybe on a walk, maybe later at bedtime — about what’s pretend and what’s real. Asking how something made them feel, or inviting them to draw or talk about it, helps their brains integrate the experience and regain a sense of safety.

When we can see through a child’s eyes, we widen our circle of awareness.

Heeding the Children

We can’t — and don’t want to — bubble-wrap childhood. Still, it helps to understand how a developing mind takes in the world around it — and how awareness itself can nurture resilience.

That means:

Watching for cues — does your child’s body tense up when they see certain images?

Offering reassurance — “That’s just pretend. You’re safe.”

Encouraging expression — through art, storytelling, movement, or cuddles.

By noticing how our children respond, we strengthen trust and connection — the real roots of resilience.

A Gentle Reflection

Halloween is a season of imagination — of mystery, play, and shared creativity. For adults, the thrill of fear can be entertaining, even nostalgic. For children, those same images can stir something deeper, more embodied.

When we pause to notice how differently our kids might experience what we take for granted, we practice awareness — not judgment. Each moment of attunement helps us stay connected to what matters most: our children’s sense of safety, belonging, and wonder.

What gets fired together gets wired together — and with a little mindfulness, we can help wire memories filled with curiosity, laughter, and love.

Empowered Parents’ Guide to Teen Halloween Parties

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 17:02:04 GMT

Reflections from a first-time mom of a teenager on trust, safety, and connection during the high school party years.

Halloween brings excitement, creativity, and independence — especially for high schoolers. But for parents, it can stir up anxiety: Will they be safe? Will there be alcohol? Will they make good choices?

As a first-time parent of a teenager — and as someone who was a rebellious teen myself — I’m navigating this right alongside you. I want something different for my son: connection over control, trust over fear.

I don’t have all the answers, but I’m drawing from my training as a certified parent coach and my years studying digital health and authentic connection to guide us both through this new terrain. What I’ve learned is that our power as parents comes not from enforcing compliance, but from building relationships rooted in respect and presence.

Lead with Curiosity, Not Control

When we lead with control — “You’re not going to that party!” — we shut down communication. When we lead with curiosity, we invite honesty and connection.

Try asking:

“Tell me more about the plans — who’s going, what’s the vibe, what sounds fun about it?”

Listening without judgment builds trust. When teens feel respected instead of criticized, they’re far more likely to tell us the truth — even about risky situations.

Co-Create Safety Agreements

Instead of setting rules for your teen, create agreements with them. This builds responsibility and self-trust.

A few key areas to cover:

Transportation : How will they get there and home safely? What’s Plan B if something changes?

Communication : What kind of check-in feels fair — a text when arriving and one before leaving?

Substances : Talk about peer pressure and alcohol without lectures. Emphasize your love and availability: “If something feels wrong, call me — no judgment.”

Boundaries : Agree on a safety word or symbol they can text if they need a pickup or an exit.

When expectations are clear, everyone can relax — and your teen gains confidence navigating independence.

Costumes, Consent, and Confidence

Halloween costumes can be creative, funny, or expressive — but they can also trigger social pressures.

This is a great time for a conversation about body confidence and consent:

What kind of attention feels good — and what doesn’t?

How do you want to feel in your outfit — respected, comfortable, authentic?
What’s your plan if someone crosses a line or shares an unwanted photo?

Remind them: consent applies everywhere — parties, photos, group chats. Encourage self-expression that feels empowering, not performative.

“What If” Scenarios for Real-Life Confidence

Saying “Be smart” isn’t enough — teens need to practice smart.

Talk through possible scenarios:

“What would you do if your ride’s been drinking?”

“If you’re uncomfortable, how can you get grounded or call for help?”

“If plans shift and you feel uneasy, what’s your exit plan?”

These conversations build inner leadership and courage. You’re not micromanaging — you’re mentoring.

Reconnect Without Interrogating

When your teen gets home, keep the door open for connection, not confrontation.

Ask:

“How was it? What was the best part?”

Let them share freely before diving into rules or consequences. If something went wrong, stay calm — this is how you teach reflection, not fear.

Model Calm and Confidence

Teens mirror our nervous systems. When we project calm trust — “I believe in your good judgment, and I’m here if things go sideways” — they internalize it.

Our grounded energy becomes their inner compass when we’re not there.

Final Thought

Halloween can be a rite of passage for your teen — and for you. Every time you practice trust, empathy, and honest conversation, you’re strengthening their self-leadership.

Parenting through empowerment isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence, partnership, and the quiet courage to let them grow — even as we’re still learning ourselves.

Meghan Brand Stauf is a Jai Certified Parent Coach and Digital Health Support Specialist who helps families build connection, confidence, and screenwise balance. As a first-time parent of a teenager, she brings both personal honesty and professional insight to her coaching.

Prioritizing Parental Mental Health: Insights from Vivek Murthy and the Role of Parent Coaching

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Thu, 26 Sep 2024 17:27:31 GMT

How a parent coach can help

In a recent public address, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy highlighted a critical yet often overlooked aspect of family dynamics: parental mental health. His alert serves as a wake-up call, emphasizing that parents' well-being directly influences their children's development and happiness. As society increasingly recognizes the importance of mental health, understanding how to support parents has never been more vital. One practical approach to this support is through parent coaching.

Murthy's message underscores that parents are not just caregivers but individuals with their own emotional and psychological needs. The stressors of parenting—balancing work and family life, managing financial pressures, and navigating social expectations—can take a significant toll. When parents struggle with mental health issues, it can lead to a cascade of effects on their children, ranging from behavioral problems to emotional distress.

Research consistently shows that children are more likely to thrive when parents are mentally healthy. They exhibit better emotional regulation, stronger social skills, and improved academic performance. Conversely, when parents are overwhelmed or struggling with mental health challenges, children may experience anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.

Understanding Your Needs

A crucial aspect of mental health is recognizing and articulating what you, as a parent, truly need. This means taking the time to reflect on your emotions, stressors, and triggers. Awareness of your needs is the first step toward effective communication with your partner or support network.

However, it’s not just about knowing what you need; it’s also about how to express those needs constructively. Many parents may find themselves reacting out of frustration or exhaustion, leading to critical or judgmental interactions that can escalate conflict instead of resolving it. Learning to communicate your needs calmly and openly can create a healthier dialogue within the family.

Additionally, it’s vital to model self-care for your children. Kids are constantly observing their environment, scanning for safety, including emotional safety. When parents prioritize and demonstrate their own mental health and self-care practices, it sends a powerful message that caring for oneself is essential. This modeling is far more impactful than simply telling children they are safe or advising them to calm down.

Parent coaches can equip you with tools and techniques to express your feelings without being reactionary. This approach fosters an environment of understanding and support, allowing everyone in the family to feel heard and valued.

The Role of Parent Coaching

So, how can parents bolster their mental health and, by extension, support their children? Enter parent coaching—a valuable resource that can provide guidance, strategies, and emotional support.

Personalized Support : Parent coaches offer tailored strategies to meet individual family needs. This personalized approach allows parents to explore their unique challenges and develop practical solutions that resonate with their family dynamics.
Emotional Well-being : Coaches help parents recognize and address their own mental health needs. By prioritizing their emotional well-being, parents can model healthy coping mechanisms for their children, fostering a supportive home environment.
Skill Development : Parent coaching focuses on building essential skills, such as effective communication, conflict resolution, and stress management. These skills not only benefit parents but also create a more harmonious family atmosphere.
Accountability and Encouragement : Having a coach provides a level of accountability. Parents can set goals and work through challenges with a supportive, non-judgemental partner encouraging them to prioritize their well-being.
Community and Connection : Parent coaching often connects individuals with others in similar situations. This sense of community can be incredibly comforting and can alleviate feelings of isolation that many parents experience.

Moving Forward

As we heed Murthy's alert about parental mental health, it’s essential for families to recognize the importance of seeking support. Parent coaching is an empowering tool that can help parents navigate their mental health challenges while ensuring that their children grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment.

In a world where the demands of parenting can often feel overwhelming, taking proactive steps toward mental wellness is not just beneficial for parents—it’s crucial for the entire family. By prioritizing mental health, parents can foster resilience, joy, and emotional well-being in both themselves and their children.

Conclusion

Vivek Murthy’s call to action reminds us that parental mental health is foundational to a thriving family. With resources like parent coaching available, families can take meaningful steps toward ensuring that both parents and children flourish. Investing in mental health today is an investment in a brighter, healthier future for our children.

The Power of Active Listening

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Tue, 21 May 2024 21:28:19 GMT

Building Strong Connections with Your Child

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's easy to overlook the profound impact of truly listening to our children. Active listening, however, is a crucial skill that fosters strong, secure attachments and helps children feel understood and valued. Let's explore the components of active listening, how it applies to different age groups, and the importance of reflective listening.

The Four Components of Active Listening

Listen to Understand

Listening to understand means fully concentrating on what the speaker is saying without planning your response. It involves being present and genuinely interested in their perspective. This deep level of listening allows you to grasp not just the words but the emotions and intentions behind them.

Refrain from Judgment

It's easy to jump to conclusions or form judgments while listening. However, active listening requires setting aside these biases. When we refrain from judgment, we create a safe space for the speaker to express themselves freely.

Listen Without Interruption

Interrupting can be a major barrier to effective communication. By allowing the speaker to complete their thoughts without interruption, we show respect and give them the space to articulate their feelings and ideas.

Non-Comparison

Comparing the speaker's experiences or feelings to your own or others can invalidate their emotions. Non-comparison means acknowledging their unique experiences without minimizing or overshadowing them with comparisons.

Active Listening Across Age Groups

Toddlers

With toddlers, active listening involves getting down to their eye level, maintaining eye contact, and using simple, clear language. When a toddler says, "I'm sad," (or more likely cries or looks sad) instead of dismissing their feelings or trying to distract them, you might respond with, "I see you're sad. I am here with you?" and then wait to see if they say more. At this limited verbal stage, being close and saying “hmm” and a nod of recognition will probably be enough. This approach helps them feel heard and understood.

Elementary Age

For elementary-aged children, active listening includes asking open-ended questions and reflecting on their feelings. If your child talks about a problem at school, you might say, "That sounds frustrating. Can you tell me more?" This encourages them to explore and express their emotions.

Tweens

Tweens often face complex social dynamics. Active listening with tweens involves acknowledging their growing need for independence while still providing support. When they discuss peer issues, you could respond with, "I’m wondering if you're feeling left out. Do you want to talk more about it?" This shows empathy and validation.

Teenagers

Teenagers crave autonomy and respect. Active listening with teens means giving them space to express themselves without immediate solutions or judgments. When a teen opens up about their struggles, a response like, "That seems really challenging. How can I support you?" can be powerful. It communicates respect for their autonomy and a willingness to be there for them.

The Role of Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is a key aspect of active listening where you mirror back what the speaker has said. This technique helps the speaker feel seen and understood. For example, if your child says, "I'm upset because my friend ignored me," a reflective response would be, "It sounds like you're feeling hurt because your friend ignored you."

Reflective listening meets the fundamental human need to feel seen and validated. It shows the speaker that you are fully engaged and that their feelings are important to you. This practice strengthens secure attachments by creating a trusting and supportive relationship.

Secure Attachment and Behavior

Children with secure attachments are less likely to act out because they feel confident that their needs will be met through healthy communication. All behavior is a form of communication, an attempt to express a need or feeling. When we engage in active and reflective listening, we can look beneath the surface of a child's behavior to understand what they are truly communicating.

Using Listening as a Tool for Parents

Parent coaches often use active and reflective listening to help parents untangle their negative or reactive responses. By modeling these techniques, parents can access their inner wisdom and respond constructively to their children. This process not only improves parent-child relationships but also empowers parents to break cycles of negative behavior.

Conclusion

Active listening is a powerful tool that goes beyond merely hearing words. It involves understanding, empathy, and validation, creating a foundation for secure attachments and healthy communication. By practicing active and reflective listening, we can help our children feel seen and heard, fostering their emotional well-being and strengthening our relationships with them. In turn, these strong connections lead to better behavior and a more harmonious family dynamic. So, take a moment to truly listen to your child today—it could make all the difference. And find someone to truly listen to you.

Parenting in Uncertain Times: Navigating Fear and Anxiety

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Fri, 05 Apr 2024 18:51:25 GMT

Coping Strategies for Parents

Parenting is a journey filled with love, joy, and laughter, but it's also one that comes with its fair share of challenges. In today's world, where uncertainty seems to be the only constant, the challenges of parenting can feel magnified. How do we, as parents, navigate through the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty that seem to lurk around every corner? What do we do when faced with situations that shake us to our core and threaten the safety and well-being of our children?

Imagine this scenario: your child comes home from school one day and tells you about a disturbing incident. They have seen pictures of the incident circulating on social media. Your heart races, panic sets in, and you're overwhelmed with fear for your child's safety. Later, you receive a notification about a school lockdown across town due to an explosion. Each consecutive day brings new alerts from the school reporting threats of violence and then copycat threats. Despite the reassurance that you are ultimately safe, the constant barrage of threats and violence has left your minds and bodies buzzing with apprehension. How do you cope with the flood of emotions - fear, anger, despair - that threaten to engulf you? And how do you support your child, who is undoubtedly experiencing their own big emotions, fears, and anxiety?

Here are some coping strategies grounded in nervous system science, brain development, mindfulness, non-violent communication, and the support of a parent coach:

Regulate Your Nervous System: Our bodies have a natural response to stress, known as the fight-flight-freeze response. In moments of crisis, it's crucial to regulate our nervous systems to avoid being overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. Practice deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness meditation to calm your body's stress response and bring yourself back to a state of balance.
Validate Your Emotions : It's okay to feel afraid, angry, or overwhelmed when faced with uncertainty and danger. Acknowledge and validate your emotions without judgment. Find healthy outlets for expressing and processing your feelings, whether journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, or engaging in creative activities like painting or music. When possible, take time to process your feelings away from your child so you can show up for them grounded and secure in emotional safety. Getting outdoors, playing with friends, or participating in physical activity is a great way for your child to release tension and anxiety. Limiting time on social media will benefit you both.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness involves bringing awareness to the present moment without judgment. Cultivate mindfulness practices in your daily life to help you stay grounded and centered amidst chaos and uncertainty. Whether it's mindful breathing, mindful walking, or simply pausing to notice the sensations in your body, mindfulness can help you respond to challenges with clarity and compassion.
Use Non-Violent Communication: When communicating with your child about frightening events, it's essential to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Use non-violent communication techniques to create a safe space for your child to express their feelings and concerns. Listen actively, validate their emotions, and offer reassurance and support without minimizing or dismissing their experiences.
Seek Support from a Parent Coach: Parenting in uncertain times can feel isolating and overwhelming, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Consider seeking support from a parent coach who can provide guidance, encouragement, and practical strategies for managing fear and anxiety. A parent coach can help you cultivate resilience, strengthen your parent-child relationship, and develop coping skills that empower you and your child.

Parenting in uncertain times requires courage, resilience, and a willingness to navigate through the unknown with grace and compassion. By practicing self-regulation, validating emotions, cultivating mindfulness, using non-violent communication, and seeking support from a parent coach, you can calm your own fears and anxieties so you can better support your child through life's challenges. Remember, you are not alone on this journey, and together, we can weather the storms and emerge stronger and more resilient than ever before.

“All My Friends Have One!”

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Wed, 07 Feb 2024 22:48:21 GMT

Five Tips For Dealing With This Popular Argument

What parent hasn’t heard the argument “But all my friends have one!” Whether it's the latest video game, the use of social media, or getting a smartphone, this is a common strategy that kids use and parents struggle with. In the old days, parents might respond by saying, “Well, if all your friends wanted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you want to?” This response is the parent’s attempt to test the power of social influence. This answer might work for some children, but it might help to have some other tips in your back pocket. These tips help children think for themselves and feel seen, heard, and understood, strengthening the child-parent relationship.

Align Limits with Core Values:

Clearly define your family's core values and use them to set limits. For instance, if health is a priority, explain how certain behaviors or possessions may conflict with that value. By anchoring decisions in shared values, you make it easier for your child to understand the reasoning behind your limits.

Practice Active Listening and Empathy:

After stating the limit, actively listen to your child's perspective without immediately jumping to explanations. Reflect back on what you've heard to ensure understanding and empathize with their feelings. By acknowledging their viewpoint, you foster a sense of being heard and understood, even if the final decision doesn't align with their desires.

Accept and Validate Emotions:

Recognize that emotions, whether positive or negative, are valid. Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings without judgment. Demonstrate emotional intelligence by helping them identify and understand their emotions. This approach builds trust and encourages open communication between you and your child.

Confidently Uphold Limits:

Be prepared for resistance and pushback, especially as children navigate their independence. Hold firm to your limits confidently, emphasizing that your decisions are rooted in thoughtful consideration and aligned with your values. Consistency and confidence help children understand the reliability of the boundaries you've set.

Collaborate and Problem-Solve:

Foster a collaborative approach by involving your child in decision-making processes. Work together to set goals and problem-solve challenges. This provides a sense of autonomy and helps them understand the reasons behind the limits. As your child matures, revisit limits and adjust them based on their evolving skills and responsibilities.

Effective communication, understanding, and collaboration are key components in navigating such situations. By approaching these discussions with empathy and focusing on shared values, you strengthen the parent-child relationship while instilling a sense of responsibility in your child.

Setting Limits Around Screens

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 17:14:29 GMT

A Peaceful, Empowered Approach the Fosters Connection

As a mom and a parenting coach, I have found the most common parenting issues are rooted in setting healthy limits around screens. Sometimes, it feels like the problem is too big to manage. Screens are everywhere. Parents need them for work, schools use them in the classroom, kids bring them home to do homework, etc. So much of our lives revolve around technology. It can be scary to see your child lost in a device, lose interest in activities that used to bring them joy, experience online bullying, exposer to inappropriate content, or worse. When this happens, likely, your parental instincts step in, and you know you must respond. You may have set limits only to find your child has a huge reaction or has found a way around the limit. I experienced this and even made idol threats to throw all devices in the garbage!

After coming to my senses, I remembered what I learned from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson: that behavior is communication. She reminded me that if children had trouble with a limit, that was their way of saying, "I need help with this skill." If we look at limits around screens through the lens of helping our children build the skill of having a healthy relationship with technology, we can see where our children need support.

We can create a plan using empowered and peaceful parenting techniques from this perspective.

Lead by Example

Children often learn by observing their parent's behavior. In empowered and peaceful parenting, leading by example is crucial. If you want your child to limit their screen time, you should also practice healthy screen habits. Show them you can strike a balance between work, play, and digital media. Spend quality time as a family, engage in non-screen activities, and emphasize the importance of face-to-face interactions.

Open Communication

The foundation of empowered and peaceful parenting is open communication. Sit down with your child and discuss the importance of screen limits. Explain the reason behind your decision, emphasizing the benefits of balance between screen time and other activities like physical play, reading, and social interactions. Encourage your child to share their thoughts, concerns, and preferences. This open dialogue sets the stage for a respectful and cooperative approach to setting limits.

Collaborative Decision-Making

Once you've had the initial conversation, involve your child in setting their screen time limits. Your child might say, "My idea is that I have no limits, and I get to be on my device as much as I want." You can say, "That works for you, but that doesn't work for me. When we come up with a solution in our family, it has to work for both of us (or all of us). So, let's keep working on it. Here's what I'm thinking…" Work together to establish guidelines that both of you can agree on. By including your child in the decision-making process, they'll feel a sense of ownership over the rules, making them more likely to adhere to them. This collaborative approach empowers your child to take responsibility for their screen usage while fostering a sense of autonomy and trust.

Define Clear and Realistic Boundaries

Empowerment doesn't mean a lack of structure. It is essential to define clear, realistic boundaries for screen time. Consider factors such as your child's age, daily schedule, and types of screen activities they engage in. Especially think about the activities and skills they are not using when on a device. Children need active, hands-on engagement for their developing brains. Not all time on screens is terrible. During the pandemic, children lacked social engagement, and many learned to play video games with groups of friends. Kids laughing, talking, and strengthening friendships can be a positive activity. Set limits for different situations, like weekdays, weekends, and school holidays. When they are smaller, you may have to set the timer to signal the end of device time. You want to support them as they learn to set the timer themselves. You might ask, "What is your plan for getting off the device to get the sleep you need?" If they struggle with sticking to the agreement, you can say, "I see you are having a hard time. How would you like me to support you?" Having well-defined boundaries helps your child understand when and how to use screens, making it easier to self-regulate.

Encourage Alternative Activities

Encourage your child to explore alternative activities to make screen limits more manageable and appealing. Create a list of fun and enriching pursuits they can enjoy when not using screens, such as outdoor games, arts and crafts, reading, or cooking together. When your child discovers the joys in these activities, they'll willingly put down their devices. Children naturally enjoy these activities. It is a good sign that they are trying to fill an unmet need if they resist them. Their resistance brings an opportunity as a parent to hold the limit, get curious and use active listening skills, become the detective, and help your child meet their needs more healthily. Remember that time on screens can dysregulate our nervous system and that time in nature is an excellent way to regulate our nervous system.

Conclusion

Setting limits on your child's screen usage is essential to empowered and peaceful parenting. It allows your child to enjoy the benefits of technology while maintaining a balanced and healthy lifestyle. By leading by example, promoting open communication, collaborative decision-making, clear boundaries, and encouraging alternative activities, you can create an environment where your child understands and respects the limits you have set. And your connection with your child is strengthened. You may benefit from working with a professional after trying the above suggestions and still struggling with screen issues. Parenting in the digital age is complex; we are in uncharted territory. Seeking support may help you feel less alone and more confident.

Contact me for more ideas and support with setting limits and developing healthy tech habits.

An Empowered Parent's Guide to Talking to Your Kids about Cannabis

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Thu, 25 May 2023 19:25:21 GMT

Helping Our Kids Develop and Trust Their Inner Compass

If you are wondering if teens are using cannabis, the answer is yes. In California, where it is legal at age 21, the California Department of Public Health reports that 16% of 11th graders currently use cannabis, which is more common than binge drinking or smoking. However, research shows it is not safe for your teen (because of their growing brain) to use cannabis in any kind of way (1) .

It might be challenging to know when and how to talk to your children about Cannabis. Sometimes parents fear that talking about such things plants ideas in their kid's minds. Still, the reality is that it is not uncommon for kids to learn about weed in their everyday environment - school bathrooms, social media, their friends, movies, and such. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association (SAMHSA) states that “When parents talk with their children early and often about alcohol and other drugs, they can protect their children from many of the high-risk behaviors associated with these drugs.” (2)

We can use the 10 Core Pillars of Empowered Parenting (3) to guide us in our approach when we address the issue of cannabis.

The first three pillars of Empowered Parenting are:

1. Become Informed and Aware

2. Be Intentional and Reflective

3. Stay Present, Committed, Authentic.

When we look at cannabis use (or any kind of risky behavior) through the lens of these pillars, we want to begin by being informed and aware. For instance, knowing where our children are developmentally is an excellent place to start. Adolescence is when children figure out who they are outside of the family. Friendships and fitting in with their peers are high on their list of priorities. This makes them vulnerable to peer pressure. Another developmental characteristic of teens is they think they are invincible and that nothing bad can happen to them. You might be surprised to learn that the thinking part of their brain, the pre-frontal cortex, is not fully developed and won’t be until around age 23! (4) Even though teens may be pushing us away, they need us more than ever, but in a different way than when they were little. For the above reasons, we parents must be intentional and reflective in our approach. They are less likely to heed our warnings if we are highly emotional and come to them with information rooted in fear, not facts.

Children need us to guide their exploration and arm them with fact-based information. The Department of Public Health provides the following information on the risks of underage Cannabis use. Research shows that cannabis may:

Impair learning, memory, attention, decision-making, and motivation, which can affect school and sports performance (5)
Increase the risk of chronic cough, bronchitis, and asthma severity (6)
Increase the risk of schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders in adulthood, with the highest risk among those who begin using at a young age, especially among individuals who may already be at risk because of genetics. (7)

If you discover your teen has experimented with marijuana, don’t panic—the following three pillars can help.

4. All Feelings are Valid and Welcome

5. Be Attuned and Empathetic

6. Practice Loving Kindness and Forgiveness

If we can stay grounded and listen to our teen's feelings, we will have a better chance to get to the root of what led them to marijuana use. This leads to our being able to empathize with their experience. Empathy builds trust and strengthens our connection. Judgment and shame can cause our children to withdraw. If we show up with love and forgiveness without taking our teen's behavior personally, we are much more likely to be someone they can confide in.

In addition, when our children feel seen, heard, and accepted at home, they can go out into the world with self-confidence, making them less likely to cave to peer pressure. This is the benefit of creating a secure attachment. The goal of Empowered Parenting is that our children will develop an inner compass and make wise choices even when no one is watching.

The last four pillars help us communicate clearly and stay firm with our boundaries and limits while keeping a strong, healthy, authentic relationship with our children. They can set the stage for moving forward.

7. Communicate to Connect and Understand

8. Use Non-Violence and Safety

9. Create Boundaries from Family Values

10. Embrace Joy, Play, and Fun

If we come down hard with punishments, that may solve the problem temporarily. However, when we respond with punishment, we risk driving the behavior underground and increasing the chances of sneaking and lying. With Empowered Parenting, we keep our children close, and they want to share with us because there is mutual respect. When we keep them close, we have a more significant influence. We share our values with them and help them develop their values. Communicating to connect and keeping our children emotionally safe makes them more likely to make healthy choices. Remembering to use joy, play, and fun in our parenting helps meet our kid's human need to belong. When this need is met, they are much less likely to look to outside influences to make them feel better.

The CDPH recommends the following tips: (8)

Talk Early and Often - Start the conversation before your kids even think about experimenting.

Be Casual But Clear - Have casual conversations instead of lectures or formal family meetings. Look for natural times to talk about it, like when you see a billboard or someone using it on tv or after smelling it outside.

Be Open, and Listen Without Judgement : Listen without interrupting and without judgment. Ask open-ended questions that encourage your teen to elaborate.

Keep It Grounded and Fact-Based - Focus on the facts and discuss how cannabis use can affect them.

Don’t worry if you haven’t established the connection that allows for trusted conversations. It's never too late. Your teen may need more time to trust you to respond helpfully. Keep trying, and don’t give up. It will likely take many conversations to reduce harm.

Today’s teens are going to need a different kind of skillset to succeed, and that requires a different response from their parents. The earlier we build a connected relationship based on mutual trust, the easier it will be when they reach the stage of development where they face more significant consequences when they make mistakes. We will have a much greater chance of reaching our teens if we show up empowered by our fact-based knowledge, put our fears and judgments aside, and stay open to learning about our particular child’s experience.

Please contact me if you want to learn more about Empowered Parenting and transform your relationship with your child.

Resources:

https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CCDPHP/sapb/cannabis/Pages/Community-Toolkit.aspx
SAMHSA. (https://www.samhsa.gov/talk-they-hear-you/parent-resources/why-you-should-talk-your-child). Accessed December 29, 2022.
https://www.jaiinstituteforparenting.com/blog
Arain M, Haque M, Johal L, Mathur P, Nel W, Rais A, Sandhu R, Sharma S. Maturation of the adolescent brain. Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat. 2013;9:449-61. doi: 10.2147/NDT.S39776. Epub 2013 Apr 3. PMID: 23579318; PMCID: PMC3621648.
S urgeon General's Advisory: Marijuana use & the developing brain . HHS.gov. (https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/reports-and-publications/addiction-and-substance-misuse/advisory-on-marijuana-use-and-developing-brain/index.html). Published August 13, 2021. Accessed December 29, 2022.
Tetrault JM, Crothers K, Moore BA, Mehra R, Concato J, Fiellin DA. Effects of marijuana smoking on pulmonary function and respiratory complications: a systematic review . Arch Intern Med. 2007;167(3):221-228. doi:10.1001/archinte.167.3.221
S urgeon General's Advisory: Marijuana use & the developing brain . HHS.gov. (https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/reports-and-publications/addiction-and-substance-misuse/advisory-on-marijuana-use-and-developing-brain/index.html). Published August 13, 2021. Accessed December 29, 2022.
https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CCDPHP/sapb/cannabis/Pages/Cannabis-Risks.aspx

New Years Resolution

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 21:46:52 GMT

To be the Perfect Parent

It's that time of year again—time to make changes and improvements on the past year. For parents, that might sound like this:

No more frozen dinners; get out the door on time; never yell at my kids; be the perfect parent!

The list is long, and the pressure is on.

The good news is that your children don't need you to be perfect and never make mistakes. On the contrary, when you make mistakes in front of your children and own up to them, your children benefit from seeing you are human. It gives them a model for making mistakes, taking responsibility, learning, and growing.

Children don't need perfection. They need your presence. In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Daniel Siegal and Tina Payne Bryson explain that children who form secure attachments with their caregivers lead happier and more fulfilling lives. Isn't that the ultimate goal for parents?

Sometimes life gets in the way when we try to show up for our kids. Even when we are doing our best to meet our own needs and stay present and grounded, we end up doing something that ruptures our relationship with our children.

Rebecca Lyddon, Director of Education for the Jai Institute for Parenting, has created a Recipe for Repair for those times when we respond in ways that cause disconnection in our relationships.

Recipe for Repair

Connect - This first step is essential because the rupture probably caused your child to feel disconnected and unsafe. The goal is to gain trust again.

Consent - In this step, asking for consent is an excellent way to model respect. For example, it might sound like this; I wasn't happy with how I reacted this morning. Is this a good time to talk?

I imagine your feeling _______. We use empathy guesses to get to the heart of our child's experience.

Because of my choice to ________. Admitting our part in the conflict is a gift to our children.

I regret how I_ ___________ because it caused you to_ ____________. In this step, we model taking responsibility and show our children we understand how our actions affect them.

In the future, I'll do my best to _________. Here we make a plan to solve the problem. We make a commitment to growth rather than continuing a harmful cycle.

For now, would it support you if ________________? This step is an opportunity to listen to your child and explore ways to meet their need.

Scenario: You are rushing around in the morning to get to school and work. Your child is still playing after you have asked them to get dressed; you get angry and yell at them to hurry up. They are hurt/scared/frustrated. This scene is different from how you want to start your day.

After everyone is calm, the conversation might look like this:

Hey Buddy, what are you doing? Can I sit down with you? First, I want to apologize for what happened earlier today. Are you open to that? Okay, thank you. I imagine you might be confused about what happened this morning because I became very stressed and yelled at you. I wish I hadn't lost control because you looked scared when I yelled. We were hoping for a smooth morning, but it became very tense. Next time, I will give myself more time to prepare so I am not rushing. That will help me stay calm. For now, is it okay to give you a big hug?

After repairing in this meaningful way, it is much easier to brainstorm and collaborate ways for your child to manage their time better.

Connection over perfection is the goal for the New Year. We can ease the pressure by letting go of the idea that our children need the perfect parent. Instead, authentic connection benefits our children in profound, lasting ways.

For more ideas for building an authentic connection with your children, becoming an empowered parent where all family member’s needs are met, and support with parenting struggles, reach me at www.gratefulparenting.org

Why Hire a Parent Coach?

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 21:35:04 GMT

We are not meant to do this alone

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Power With Parenting

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 21:27:43 GMT

The Evolution of Parenting Styles

Every generation wants to improve on raising children. In the past, parents used corporal punishment. When I was growing up in the ’70s, in a middle-class, white family, beating a child was frowned upon, but a swat with a wooden spoon or a flip-flop kept some of us in line. My peers raising children in the 90s/00s realized physically harming a child was wrong. We had The Nanny putting kids in the “Naughty Chair” or other versions of time-outs. Parents used all these techniques to gain control, order, and peace in the household.

Parents have the best intentions. Unfortunately, society pressures parents to “get control” of their children. When a child has suboptimal behavior, we look to the parent and ask what they are doing wrong. With corporal punishment off the table, parents struggle with gaining control. I have had many conversations with parents about how to get their children to do what they ask. In my personal experience in parenting, I found myself with strong emotions when my child didn’t “listen.” When gentle but firm limits were tested and broken, I found myself trying to instill harsher punishments. As my child grew and the stakes got higher, a pretty dismal vision of their future led me to seek a different way. In my search, I found the Jai Institute for Parenting and a deep understanding of Empowered Parenting. After going through the Transforming Parenting Course, I continued and trained to become a certified parent coach. The information I have now is the next step in the evolution of parenting. I hope to share my knowledge with as many people as possible!

My parent coach training taught me about the Parenting Power Continuum. Experts have developed three basic parenting styles, Power Over, Power Under, and Power With parenting. It is very common and expected to find yourself in each of these dynamics on any given day. Empowered Parenting aims to strive for Power With parenting and to recognize and understand why you might fall into Power Under or Power Over . Daniel Siegal, the author of the Whole Brain Child, explains the importance of secure attachment for your child’s optimum brain development. Power with Parenting is the best way to achieve secure attachment.

The Three Dynamics Explained:

Power Over Parenting - Authoritarian

Minimal Space for a child’s feelings, thoughts, or needs.
The parent is at the top of the hierarchy; the child is at the bottom
Children must be trained to be “good”
Parents must rule with “rule with an iron fist” so their child does not turn out “spoiled or entitled”
The parent’s nervous system is in “fight” mode
Love and acceptance are conditional on a child’s behavior, achievement or success.
Parents act from fear and use fear to control their child’s behavior

Power Under Parenting - Permissive

Parents struggle with being present, physically or emotionally, and children are expected to “raise themselves”
Parents may struggle to set boundaries. Feelings of overwhelm cause them to choose the path of least resistance.
Fear their child’s rejection or emotional abandonment, so they don’t say anything that will upset their child.
Fear of conflict may keep them quiet
Fear they are incapable may cause them to hold back and not work together with their children

Power With Parenting is based on the parent-child connection with the idea that cooperation comes when a child feels safe. What sets it apart from past paradigms is that parents look beneath their children’s behaviors and into the deeper internal social-emotional and neurological development. The power with approach considers the individual needs of each family member. Instead of asking, “Why won’t my child do what I ask?” We consider where our child is developmentally and ask, “What does my child need to complete my request?” It also supports us in reflecting on whether the request itself is reasonable. When we use this approach, we set limits based on our core values that make sense for our family and the situation.

A variety of reasons might get in the way of becoming an Empowered Parent. There is no shame, blame, or guilt when we fall into either power over or under parenting. We are not “failing at parenting” when we do. The goal is to be aware, get curious about why, show compassion for ourselves, and reflect on how to build a connection with our children. A trained parent coach can create a safe space to help you explore other possibilities, untangle the complicated unconscious patterns and support you in finding solutions.

For more information or any parenting support, schedule a time here: https://calendly.com/bmeghan414

5 Ways to Bring More Screen Balance to Your Family

Wed, 05 Oct 2022 19:08:56 GMT

Foster Connection in a World Full of Distraction

Most parents know how the world has changed since the smartphone's invention and internet access. Our parents and grandparents are saying that kids these days don't know what they are missing because they always have their noses in their phones. Our children say that adults have no idea what they deal with daily. They believe they need their phones for survival. It can feel like life or death to lose access to their device.

If you are reading this, you are probably looking for a more balanced use of screens in your family. You may have tried parental controls only to have your child find a way around the limit. Punishments, threats, and bribes to get your child to have a healthy relationship with devices works in the short term but lead to an endless cycle of sneaking, lying, and escalated threats leaving you feeling disconnected from your child and scared for their future.

As a certified parent coach, I have helped many families find a healthy balance of screen use based on mutual respect that strengthens connection and fosters cooperation. In addition, as a mother of a tween, I know the struggle with managing screen time.

The following are the five ways to bring more balance into your life regarding screens.

#1: Check yourself— model healthy screen usage in front of your children. Children are very attuned to our behavior. They have been watching us since they were infants. Our actions speak much louder than our words. Make sure you put the phone down when they walk into the room, at family time, and for meaningful conversations. Be honest with yourself about how you are using screens.

#2 : Be aware and informed. Gain as much knowledge from reliable sources about the dangers of screen time addiction and the effects of unfettered access to the internet for young children. Understanding that time on a screen can dysregulate one's nervous system. Save conversations about limits for a time when everyone is regulated. On the flip side, learn about the positive skills gained from using a smartphone and being a good digital citizen.

#3: Deal with the child in front of you . What works for your friend's child might not work for your child. Get your child used to the fact that different families have different rules. Blogs and parenting books might have advice, but they don't work for your kid when put in place. Again, you are the expert on your children.

#4: Look beneath the behavior for the unmet need: Ask yourself what needs are met by your child's smartphone or video game use. Help your child find other ways to get that need fulfilled. For example, if it is a need to be social, what ways can you facilitate time with friends in person? Does your child have a big meltdown when asked to move away from the device? They might need a nutritious meal, fresh air, or movement. The parent's job is to help the child learn to recognize their physiological needs and to help them get those needs met.

#5: Set limits from core values. Take the time to develop and define your core values. When you set a limit from a deep belief you have previously shared with your child, they are less likely to push back. And if they do (because that is their job, especially teens), you can stand confidently in the limit. You are less likely to be reactive and more likely to be receptive and open to connecting with your child. There will be more room for your child to feel seen and heard. When a child feels seen, the basic human need to belong is met, and they are less likely to go elsewhere to fulfill that need.

We can place parental device restrictions and punish our children when they break the rules. However, that ignores our children's unmet needs and causes conflict and disconnection. Our goal is to connect with our children so we can guide them and help them become responsible citizens. When we set limits from our core values, the relationship stays intact, and our child's motivation is intrinsic rather than rooted in fear of punishment. When the child's motivation comes from within themselves, grounded in a belief that they are worth the effort, they are more likely to make healthy choices. When we model healthy habits, resource ourselves with reliable information, and stay attuned with our children, we can stand confident in the limits we set. The result will be a harmonious relationship based on respect, health, and love.

Interview with Parenting Coach Meghan Brand Stauf

Fri, 28 Jan 2022 19:28:25 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

Interview with Meghan Brand Stauf

How long have you been doing this and how did you get to be a Parenting Coach? I have been a certified parenting coach for a year, but as a preschool teacher and a nanny I have always “coached” parents in an informal way. In a search to make a change in my career I found The Jai Institute for Parenting online certification program. I knew it was the program for me because it was right in line with the early childhood education recommendations for what is best for children. And, the best aspect of the program was the requirement that I go through the program as a client for the first six weeks. What I learned was life changing not only in the way I could help other parents but how it brought harmony to my own family.

Who are your clients exactly? My clients are parents that are overwhelmed and struggling with their children. Many know what to do but have a hard time making it happen. They are longing for more cooperation and connection with their children. I have several clients here in my home town as well as a few in other countries, like Canada and Africa.

Do you have children of your own? What is your parenting philosophy? Yes, I have an amazing, charismatic, joyful 12 year old. My husband and I adopted him and he has been with us since he was 6 months old. My parenting philosophy starts with the understanding that humans are hardwired for connection. Connection between the parent and the child is the overriding goal and where solutions to problems begin. My philosophy is parent centric - meaning that when a parent is grounded in safety and their needs are met they are better equipped to meet the needs of their children. I follow the 10 Pillars of Empowered Parent ( https://www.gratefulparenting.org/resources )

What type of personality do you work best with and what is expected of me? I work best with many different personalities ranging from introvert to extravert, type A, or laid back. I, myself, am a combination of personality traits. In a coaching setting I am introspective and speak slowly sometimes - don’t let my long silences throw you, the wheels are churning! All I require from you is a willingness to be open and stay curious and try to be kind to yourself.

Does this really work? I believe that if you are willing to care for yourself and make connecting to your child a priority, that I can help you find solutions. My promise to my clients is that if I can’t help I will tap into my resources and attempt to find someone who can. I can confidently attest to the fact that the shifts I have made in my own parenting have led to the kind of relationship with my child that I dreamed of. You may also read some of my clients testimonials here https://www.gratefulparenting.org/testimonials

How will we work together and what does the program entail? Depending on your needs you can choose from different packages. I offer one-on-one coaching where I guide you through the 12 weeks Ultimate Parenting Success Course. This is the most comprehensive choice where you get life-time access to parenting videos, workbook assignments and weekly sessions with me. In our sessions I provide a safe, confidential palace for you to fully explore your feelings and share your thoughts and parenting struggles. My commitment to my clients is that I show up with full presence, full commitment, and full authenticity.

Another option is to join a small group where I take the group through the Ultimate Parenting Success course. This is a great way to get the support of a group setting.

Or we can explore other options as well depending on what you might need.

I have a family and a busy life. Although I want more peace and connection in my home, I don’t have much time to spare. How much time do I need? I completely understand the constriction of time for busy families! There are only so many hours in a day. When we meet we can explore different possibilities. If you choose the 12 week program you can expect an hour a week to meet with me and about two/three hours a week on homework. You may make the personal choice to spend even more time than that reflecting and journaling. It is a personal process that is individual. Some clients still benefit from the program even if they skip the homework. Something to remember is that when you have more cooperation and harmony in your home you spend less time arguing or being upset. The time invested is worth it!

What results can I expect? You can expect to see some shifts in your thinking right away. You will begin to tap into your strengths as a parent and you will receive resources for de-stressing. This process can be exciting, motivating AND challenging at times. This work is about you and your relationship with your child. I am not here to fix you or your child. There is nothing to fix. I am here to guide you to find what works for you and to discover what might get in the way of your goals. When you practice empowered parenting you are dedicated to celebrating the essence of parenting, you will strive to ask for what you need in a calm way and your child will feel safe, connected and loved.

My Parenting Journey

Wed, 20 Oct 2021 18:25:14 GMT

My Journey

Let me tell you a little about my parenting journey. I am a mother of an 11 year old boy. I have known all my life that I wanted to be a mother. My favorite Christmas gift was a baby doll. I spent hours changing her, feeding her and gazing into her precious eyes. When I was 12 I began babysitting and seemed to have an innate ability to care for children. I have enjoyed a career working with children as a preschool teacher with an associates degree in Early Childhood Education. Observing and understanding how children perceive things, and figuring out the best way to help them thrive has been a lifelong passion. When the opportunity to adopt my son came about, both my husband and I were confident that I would know just what to do to help our boy thrive. And I did. Until our little spitfire reached the age of about three. I had trouble staying connected, I struggled to get my son to follow my directions and I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of working and caring for my son. I sought support and help from therapists, family members and teachers. However, as time went on my strategies were not working, things escalated and my frustration did too. The woman who was once praised as a preschool teacher for her patience couldn’t keep her cool with her own kid. In February 2018, realizing I wanted more career opportunities, I made the giant leap and enrolled in college to finish my bachelor’s degree. I chose a degree in Complementary and Alternative Health because I wanted to be in the best health to raise my son. Unfortunately, in March of 2018, tragedy struck and we lost my husband. My son’s anger and emotions were understandable but it made me scared. When the pandemic hit I was 6 months away from earning my degree, working as a nanny, overseeing the care of my mother-in-law’s affairs (who is in assisted living in another state), and caring for my son by myself. I was in full survival mode and my reaction to my son’s behavior seemed out of my control. That is when I came across the Jai Institute for parenting. It took me about six months to decide to enroll in the 24 week course. By the time I made the decision I knew the program could not only help me with my son but that it could help me utilize my education and passion for helping children and families. Now, I am very excited to share what I have learned because it has really changed my life.

If we fast forward to October 2021 I can confidently say that I am no longer in survival mode, I have a rewarding career helping children and families and most importantly there are smiles, laughter, hugs and so much love between my son and I. He is a confident kid, who enjoys school, is cooperative and shares his thoughts and feelings. In this changing world I know we will be faced with challenges, but I feel confident that we have the foundation and tools to get us through. I will be forever grateful to those that helped me make the needed shifts in my parenting. It feels like a lifetime of cultivating and searching has landed me here as a certified parenting coach. Enrolling in the Jai Institute for Parenting and working as a coach was the best decision. Not only has my relationship with my son improved, it has helped me unify my early childhood education degree, my holistic health degree, my experience working in homes with children and families as a nanny, my experience as an adoptive, (and now single mother) and my life experience. All this puts me in a unique position to help families find what works for them. I believe that being a parent can be the most challenging and rewarding experience of a lifetime. We were not meant to face this challenge alone. It is my passion to support parents to make a shift toward connection and love. When they do, I believe their children will thrive as the unique beings they were meant to be. In turn, the human race will evolve in a healthy, positive way.

All Feelings are Welcome

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 18:54:11 GMT

For about three days I have had a deep feeling of sadness. I wasn’t sure why. What is causing this sadness? In the past I would have tried to ignore that feeling. I might have distracted myself with work, or scrolled social media in search of that dopamine hit, or searched for anything outside of myself to make that feeling go away.

One of the tenants of conscious, peaceful, empowered parenting is that all feelings are welcome . With that in mind, I turned my phone off, I meditated, I sat with the feelings. When I did that I allowed the feelings to come to the surface. At one point the question wasn’t what is causing this sadness? It was what is not causing this. A pandemic, a dying planet, aging parents, missing my best friend... there is so much to feel sad about. I admitted that sadness was a very appropriate emotion at this time.

Then, I went outside and felt the warm sun on my face. I thought of my son and how I was looking forward to picking him up from school. There was room for sadness and it didn’t overwhelm me. There was also room for deep gratitude. If I can do this for myself, I know I can teach this. All feelings are welcome.

What Keeps You from Dancing?

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 19:16:56 GMT

What Keeps You From Dancing?

There is no question that as the summer comes to an end parents are feeling the stress of starting a new school year with so many unknowns. What better stress relief than moving your body to music? Do you ever feel that tension in your body and just need to move it out? If you wave your arms, run around, shake your head can you feel that tension ease? Combine that with music that touches your heart and soul. Could this be better than holding it in until you explode in anger and frustration? Could this be better than using distraction that only makes it go away temporarily, only to return with a vengeance or lead to unhealthy habits? What stops you from dancing? Fear of making a fool of yourself? Fear you will be judged? Has your dancing made a partner jealous? Do your kids “die from embarrassment” when you dance? Can you move through your fear? Can you let your fear go? If it leads to a feeling of ease, fulfillment and a closer relationship to your authentic self, would it be worth it? If ease, fulfillment and a closer relationship with your authentic self made you a better parent would you take the risk? Shake your head, wave your hands, move your hips, jump up and down, open your heart, feel the beat. Human beings were meant for this!!

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

mstauf10@yahoo.com (Meghan Brand) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 20:02:52 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.