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“All My Friends Have One!”
Meghan Brand • Feb 07, 2024
Five Tips For Dealing With This Popular Argument
What parent hasn’t heard the argument “But all my friends have one!” Whether it's the latest video game, the use of social media, or getting a smartphone, this is a common strategy that kids use and parents struggle with. In the old days, parents might respond by saying, “Well, if all your friends wanted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you want to?” This response is the parent’s attempt to test the power of social influence. This answer might work for some children, but it might help to have some other tips in your back pocket. These tips help children think for themselves and feel seen, heard, and understood, strengthening the child-parent relationship.
Align Limits with Core Values:
- Clearly define your family's core values and use them to set limits. For instance, if health is a priority, explain how certain behaviors or possessions may conflict with that value. By anchoring decisions in shared values, you make it easier for your child to understand the reasoning behind your limits.
Practice Active Listening and Empathy:
- After stating the limit, actively listen to your child's perspective without immediately jumping to explanations. Reflect back on what you've heard to ensure understanding and empathize with their feelings. By acknowledging their viewpoint, you foster a sense of being heard and understood, even if the final decision doesn't align with their desires.
Accept and Validate Emotions:
- Recognize that emotions, whether positive or negative, are valid. Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings without judgment. Demonstrate emotional intelligence by helping them identify and understand their emotions. This approach builds trust and encourages open communication between you and your child.
Confidently Uphold Limits:
- Be prepared for resistance and pushback, especially as children navigate their independence. Hold firm to your limits confidently, emphasizing that your decisions are rooted in thoughtful consideration and aligned with your values. Consistency and confidence help children understand the reliability of the boundaries you've set.
Collaborate and Problem-Solve:
- Foster a collaborative approach by involving your child in decision-making processes. Work together to set goals and problem-solve challenges. This provides a sense of autonomy and helps them understand the reasons behind the limits. As your child matures, revisit limits and adjust them based on their evolving skills and responsibilities.
Effective communication, understanding, and collaboration are key components in navigating such situations. By approaching these discussions with empathy and focusing on shared values, you strengthen the parent-child relationship while instilling a sense of responsibility in your child.
Helping Our Kids Develop and Trust Their Inner Compass
My Journey Let me tell you a little about my parenting journey. I am a mother of an 11 year old boy. I have known all my life that I wanted to be a mother. My favorite Christmas gift was a baby doll. I spent hours changing her, feeding her and gazing into her precious eyes. When I was 12 I began babysitting and seemed to have an innate ability to care for children. I have enjoyed a career working with children as a preschool teacher with an associates degree in Early Childhood Education. Observing and understanding how children perceive things, and figuring out the best way to help them thrive has been a lifelong passion. When the opportunity to adopt my son came about, both my husband and I were confident that I would know just what to do to help our boy thrive. And I did. Until our little spitfire reached the age of about three. I had trouble staying connected, I struggled to get my son to follow my directions and I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of working and caring for my son. I sought support and help from therapists, family members and teachers. However, as time went on my strategies were not working, things escalated and my frustration did too. The woman who was once praised as a preschool teacher for her patience couldn’t keep her cool with her own kid. In February 2018, realizing I wanted more career opportunities, I made the giant leap and enrolled in college to finish my bachelor’s degree. I chose a degree in Complementary and Alternative Health because I wanted to be in the best health to raise my son. Unfortunately, in March of 2018, tragedy struck and we lost my husband. My son’s anger and emotions were understandable but it made me scared. When the pandemic hit I was 6 months away from earning my degree, working as a nanny, overseeing the care of my mother-in-law’s affairs (who is in assisted living in another state), and caring for my son by myself. I was in full survival mode and my reaction to my son’s behavior seemed out of my control. That is when I came across the Jai Institute for parenting. It took me about six months to decide to enroll in the 24 week course. By the time I made the decision I knew the program could not only help me with my son but that it could help me utilize my education and passion for helping children and families. Now, I am very excited to share what I have learned because it has really changed my life. If we fast forward to October 2021 I can confidently say that I am no longer in survival mode, I have a rewarding career helping children and families and most importantly there are smiles, laughter, hugs and so much love between my son and I. He is a confident kid, who enjoys school, is cooperative and shares his thoughts and feelings. In this changing world I know we will be faced with challenges, but I feel confident that we have the foundation and tools to get us through. I will be forever grateful to those that helped me make the needed shifts in my parenting. It feels like a lifetime of cultivating and searching has landed me here as a certified parenting coach. Enrolling in the Jai Institute for Parenting and working as a coach was the best decision. Not only has my relationship with my son improved, it has helped me unify my early childhood education degree, my holistic health degree, my experience working in homes with children and families as a nanny, my experience as an adoptive, (and now single mother) and my life experience. All this puts me in a unique position to help families find what works for them. I believe that being a parent can be the most challenging and rewarding experience of a lifetime. We were not meant to face this challenge alone. It is my passion to support parents to make a shift toward connection and love. When they do, I believe their children will thrive as the unique beings they were meant to be. In turn, the human race will evolve in a healthy, positive way.
For about three days I have had a deep feeling of sadness. I wasn’t sure why. What is causing this sadness? In the past I would have tried to ignore that feeling. I might have distracted myself with work, or scrolled social media in search of that dopamine hit, or searched for anything outside of myself to make that feeling go away. One of the tenants of conscious, peaceful, empowered parenting is that all feelings are welcome . With that in mind, I turned my phone off, I meditated, I sat with the feelings. When I did that I allowed the feelings to come to the surface. At one point the question wasn’t what is causing this sadness? It was what is not causing this. A pandemic, a dying planet, aging parents, missing my best friend... there is so much to feel sad about. I admitted that sadness was a very appropriate emotion at this time. Then, I went outside and felt the warm sun on my face. I thought of my son and how I was looking forward to picking him up from school. There was room for sadness and it didn’t overwhelm me. There was also room for deep gratitude. If I can do this for myself, I know I can teach this. All feelings are welcome.
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